Okay, there is no bright side, but today after a doctor's appointment Jim and I decided to get sushi, since we could. I'd missed it a little, as I'd missed wine a little, but neither had been very difficult to do without. Still, a glass of viognier did taste good the other night, though it made me sleepy.
Today was a follow-up appointment with my obstetrician, and she told us basically that none of the tests she has run have yielded any explanation for my miscarriage (again, I hate that term, but the medical term is even worse: "spontaneous abortion."). Here's something I want to say, and it's not in response to anything anyone has said to me, fortunately -- everyone has been wonderful -- but I know there is a pervasive feeling that if a miscarriage occurs, it must have happened "for a reason." In general, I do not subscribe to the life philosophy that things always happen for a reason. I see plenty of randomness out there. True, the most common cause of miscarriage is chromosomal abnormality in the baby, but that is not always the cause, and though we have not gotten those test results back yet, it is not believed to be the cause for us. Neither is there any sign of an infection. So, if you know someone who has had a miscarriage, do not suggest it was probably for the best, or that it was Mother Nature doing her job, or whatever. Even if this is the case, there is no need to say it, and if it isn't the case, it's just painful. Just say how sorry you are. That's enough.
A friend of mine actually had an acquaintance tell her "I told you so," because she told people she was pregnant before she was safely out of her first trimester, and then miscarried. I told you so! How awful. And safely out of her first trimester? Tell me that. I was out of my first trimester; I was not expecting my amniotic sac to rupture. Nothing in any of the pregnancy books warned to look for that, because it is not common. When I called the doctor's office they told me the fluid leakage must be urine. Even now, searching online, I find nothing in the sites about miscarriage that is at all similar to my own experience. It was a freak thing.
Now, my OB wants me to see a high-risk OB for an evaluation, just to be on the safe side, and it is a very strange thing, being high-risk anything. I've never had a health problem in my life. I still can't believe this has happened to me. The names of doctors she gave me are almost all men -- I definitely prefer women docs for everything, even for my teeth, but most especially for this, but she vouched for them. I jokingly asked who was the least attractive, because I will never forget my mortification in college when I went to the Naval Hospital for my annual exam and my doctor was a very handsome, very young man! Awful! Young handsome docs should choose another specialty -- Podiatry or something!!
Anyway, I just wanted to say: there isn't necessarily a reason. Sometimes awful things just happen, and you never get to know why. And as common as miscarriages are (at least 20% of pregnancies, possibly as high as 40% if there was a way to know how many occur before the woman knows she's pregnant), the sense of loss can be huge. Jim and I have this feeling we wish we could fast-forward to being pregnant again, especially now that the doctor has said she wants us to wait about 3 months, but then, life just flies by so fast anyway. I don't think we even need to fast forward. It is already late March! Holy crow. How did that happen? I'm sure the next 3 months will fly by all too quickly too. I look forward to summer, not just for that, but because we've decided not to go anywhere this year, not to any writer's conferences or conventions or anything. Just to stay home, with the exception of maybe doing some exploring in Oregon. The house, I'm happy to report, is very tidy. I've moved on from the major bedroom overhaul to the art studio. I'm going from room to room, pushing clutter ahead of me until there is nowhere left for it to go.
I even feel a little like gardening which I have failed in woefully for the past few years -- we were excited about our big yard when we bought this house, but early on, it utterly defeated us. But now I'm thinking back to the amazing dahlia bed we had our first year here, how I could cut a whole big boquet every day and not even seem to diminish the number of blooms in the garden! I think I might want to do that again this year, especially since we'll be home to enjoy it. If only I could snap my fingers and make it so. ha ha. Oh yes, and tidying up the house is not quite enough. I am back on Weight Watchers, which I have shirked terribly this past year, along with exercise, while in my Silksinger cocoon. It is funny how going to a meeting, making that resolution and going through with it, can effect a complete mental shift. The year I finished Blackbringer was also the year I lost about 25 pounds, and meeting the two goals together was hugely empowering. Hugely. Those two things had perched atop my New Year's Resolution list for years, taunting me, so much so that I stopped writing them down, not wanting to see them sitting up there like two unclimbable mountain peaks. Well ha! goals. I got you then, and I'll get you again.