Sunday, July 23, 2006

best things to steal

Weapons are the best things to steal. Steal them from the sweaty fingers of evil people and tie the gun barrels in knots cartoon-style, and collect all the knives and hurl them out of the atmosphere. Try not to hit the moon, because then astronauts will find them and pick knife fights with each other and poke holes in each other’s space suits and deflate. And then our rocket ships would just be parked on the moon with the keys in the ignition, waiting for aliens to find them and go joy-riding.

Steal bombs out of bunkers and replace them with pianos and tubas and model ship-in-bottle kits, so instead of bombing people the terrorists could have hobbies. Don’t forget to include sheet music and wood glue. And snacks, because new hobbies make you hungry.

Steal the black belts right off the waists of kung fu masters. If you can do this, you deserve them more than they do.

Steal animal traps from fields and forests. Set them up in the lobbies of places like Haliburton and GE and the White House. Bait them with money and no-bid contracts. Have a taxidermist standing by to stuff the severed hands as a warning to future generations.

Steal Gothic spires off cathedrals and use them as trellises in your garden. Grow tomato vines and green beans on them and then when you eat your veggies a little bit of holiness will make its way through your digestive tract and into the plumbing, and eventually, to the rivers and oceans, which are in some need of holiness.

Steal coins from wishing wells and see if you can tell, by holding each coin in your fist and concentrating really hard, what wish went with what coin. If you find you have a talent for this, become a fairy godmother.

Steal souls back from the devil. You’ll have to distract him with a Gameboy and then dig up the field in Texas where he keeps the souls buried in small black wedding ring boxes, caked with dust. The souls will be shrunk to the size of lentils or smaller. Take them and go on a pilgrimage -- whenever you find someone without a soul, slip one into his beer or back pocket. The rest will happen naturally.

This has been a Sunday Scribbling. For more tales of thievery, go here.

28 comments:

paris parfait said...

Laini, you have the most astonishing imagination! I love the rich detail of your post: the colourful images you project; the unexpected combinations. I especially love the idea of Gothic spires as garden trellises. Brilliant!

Letha Sandison said...

Laina your writing is always a gift. Your imagination is so rich and colorful!! I would love to climb inside that head of yours and see all the magic inside.

tinker said...

Laini - you are the most amazing writer and person - I just want to throw myself at your feet, well maybe not literally your feet, because I'm a little foot-phobic - but can I just sit behind your desk chair and peek over your shoulder at the computer screen, so I can try to absorb your way with words through osmosis? (Or at least learn how I can avoid such run-on sentences!)
You, my dear, ROCK.

Kim G. said...

Laini - this is one of my favorite scribbles you've done. I love the traps baited with money and no-bid contracts - wickedly clever! And the snack with the hobby and music materials - I loved that part! And stealing the souls from the devil and spiking drinks with them - rich! Just love this one . . .

Judy Wise said...

Thank you for making me smile. You said so much in those brief paragraphs. Let it be so!

Verity said...

Great take on the topic, you had me cheering!!!

acumamakiki said...

What an interesting take on the theme! That's what I love most about Sunday Scribblings ~ the very different interpretations each week. I loved this.

GreenishLady said...

Laini, this is an absolutely wonderful take on the topic, and so inspiring, clever, magical. Beautiful... I loved this, in case you can't tell!

Amber said...

Again I am so taken with your magical imagination! I have been working with these cards, called "archetype cards" by Caroline Myss, and every time I read one of your posts like this, I think of her description of the "Magical Child", who sees beauty and fun and joy all over! I think it is your job here, to bring these ideas and thoughts to the world.

:)

Marilyn said...

I love, love, LOVE this, Laini! Utterly and completely fabulous!

Mardougrrl said...

Laini, I am simply and always just in awe of the way your mind works, and the way you seem to constantly be creating new forms for your writing. Teach me, Obi Wan! :)

Patry Francis said...

I always wondered what happened to the souls stolen by the devil. Now I know! Whenever I encounter anyone who seems to have forfeited theirs, I will picture a poor shrunken lentil in a ring box coffins. Wonderfully inventive!

anahata katkin said...

How amazing you are! I LOVED this scribbling. It's super good news.

liz elayne said...

all these images...so much delight here (and some thought-provoking stuff too).
thanks for all these little snippets to get the imagination turning.

Ally Bean said...

delightful. thx for the good ideas.

megg said...

Laini, I have decided that you should run from president. The world needs you in control!!

xoxo

Left-handed Trees... said...

I'll second that nomination--voting based on your beautiful words here and the willingness to share them. Your creative spark is contagious...now, go out there and steal away.

Deb R said...

Oh, this is fabulous! I especially like the part about the traps. :-)

Tonya said...

beautifully said.

Holly Stinnett said...

Lovely - I want to be the fairy godmother!

lizardek said...

Astonishing and beautiful writing. Thank you for that.

samantha said...

Love it, love it, I'm dancing I love it so. You are wickedly imaginative, and what a clever take on the prompt.

Sarah e.Smith said...

Such a fabulous post and so beautifully and vividly written....as always :)

wendylou who? said...

I loved every single word...and smiled all the way through...perfect wit.

Teri said...

Beautiful. I quoted it in my sidebar.

GoGo said...

I love this entry. I have been seriously behind on mnay blogs, including yours.

Anonymous said...

Your are Nice. And so is your site! Maybe you need some more pictures. Will return in the near future.
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Anonymous said...

wtf that woz well boring lol, hu lykes this stuff haha soz m8 but i dont lyk it