HOW TO WRITE A NOVEL

The prompt for Sunday Scribblings this week is "Instructions," so I decided to give MYSELF the how-to reminder I most need right now:

HOW TO WRITE A NOVEL

1. Daydream. A lot. (required)

2. Get a notebook that’s just right, with good paper that won’t curl and that you can’t see the ink through, but that isn’t so precious you’ll be afraid to “mess it up.” This is for ideas.

3. Think up stories until you’ve got an idea you love, that sets your mind on fire with possibilities.

4. Take that idea and cross-examine the crap out of it. In your notebook, ask it EVERYTHING. WHY and WHO and HOW and WHEN and REALLY, ARE YOU SURE? And again HOW and WHY and HOW and WHY. Think and think and think. Think way past the borders of your idea, so that the world you dream up is like a big huge trampoline you won’t fall off the edge of if you jump too high.

5. Do some research on things that come up in your brainstorming. You’ll find out marvelous marvelous things that will make your story richer, and that can give you a missing puzzle piece that pulls everything together.

6. Write.
7. Write.
8. Write.

9. Learn what you need as a writer and develop your own rhythm and routine. Routine is good. Like a just-right notebook, find a just-right place to write. A haven.

10. Write.
11. Write.
12. Write.

13. When you get to a place where the story halts like a stubborn mule and just won’t go anywhere, resort to daydreaming mode. But not some wishy-washy namby-pamby brainstorming: ferocious, knife-strapped-to-your-thigh brainstorming! List every possible damn thing that might happen, even if it means carrying that mule over your shoulder back several scenes and taking a different turn in the labyrinth. Open your mind. Write down everything, even if it seems stupid, and keep thinking, keep asking yourself questions. Sometimes drastic measures are called for, like erasing a character who isn’t really pulling his weight, and replacing him with somebody who will give your mule just the kick in the ass it needs. Don’t be timid.

14. Keep writing until you’ve got a first draft, then celebrate your deep genius and tell everyone you’ve written a book! Gloat!

15. Wait a while. A few weeks, perhaps. Then read your draft as if it was something you’d picked up at the bookstore. Figure out what you love and what you don’t. Be absolutely honest with yourself about the boring parts, and about the parts where the author is clearly forcing the characters to do things, where motivations don’t ring true, where it rambles. Think how to fix it.

16. Rewrite.
17. Rewrite.
18. Rewrite.

19. Gloat even more with the completion of the second draft. Get people to read it and give your compliments and pour champagne over your head.

20. Repeat steps 15 - 18, as many times as needed.

Yes, I know it’s steps 6 - 8 and 10 - 12 that are the hard part, but the thing is, there’s really nothing else for it but to just do it, even if it’s hard and even if you’re sure it’s horrible as you’re doing it. This is a place where reading how-to books can’t really help you, so don’t take a break from steps 6 - 8 and 10 - 12 to read Bird by Bird AGAIN and drink wine. It’s like with weight loss: whatever advertising might tell you to get you to buy a product, there’s really only one thing that works -- healthy eating and exercise. With writing a book it’s -- sitting down and writing. Keep in mind that people all over the world have been managing to do it for ages. People do it every day, and there’s no reason why you can’t, too!

(Update -- you must read these instructions for writing a novel -- HILARIOUS!)