Thursday, February 09, 2006
making up me
(this is from my new "tiny stories" offshoot of Laini's Ladies - there are more on my website)
A few days ago I wrote about the days after college when I realized I had to find the "tightrope" to the big wild dreams that filled me -- and how the reality of it was so terrifying it sort of stopped me in my tracks. Well, I just found this in an old notebook, and it rockets me back to the days of wild dreaming (& I'm not going to edit out any of the extreme melodrama of my 20-year-old self!)
I want to be a raw animal voice, a sound of thunder, dandelion spores aloft on the wind. I want to be the osprey's call, the jagged edge of granite that silently guards the sea. I want to bring life out of the sand, and the constellation-drinking night-sea. I want to know how to light fires in central Nowhere that will dance against a sky as dark as crayon - I want the stars to descend on me like a sprinkling of pollen - I want to be covered with stars and stand on the highest peak and break the shrill cold night with a scream! I want to evolve. I want to DEvolve. I want to chop wood and eat berries and track creatures through the forest! I want to be joy-filled and let people know it. I want to travel the world everywhere falling in love and picking grapes and posing for artists. I want to spear-fish naked, collect shells, climb back aboard the boat with the pacific seas streaming off my hair...
I want to pretend this was written by a preposterous character I made up, but it was me! And I think that in those days I sort of WAS a preposterous character I made up. I remember making conscious decisions about who I "was" -- I recall in highschool announcing, "I believe there are more INvisible beings in the universe than visible ones." Well, lovely, but I believed NO such thing! I never even succeeded in believing in God and soon gave up and swung hard the other way and took to making antagonistic atheistic comments to my poor mother. Well, I hope I have settled down by now into who I truly "am" but I clearly remember the vivid construction of self that occupied my mind and my journals!
Wonderful weekend wishes to everyone! Alexandra and I are off to Seattle for a few days where we may put on facial purifying masks in the hotel and watch movies or write letters to mutual friends, and we'll have lunch with various folks and I may see my wayward brother, and I'll probably spend some time in a cafe with my laptop while Al is in her seminar. We likely will NOT spearfish naked or track creatures through the forest. Did I ever REALLY want to do those things? Or did I want to be able to say, at 34, that I HAD done them? I wonder!
Posted by Laini Taylor at 9:33 AM